Saint Benedict Episcopal Church

“From suffering I have learned this: that whoever is sore wounded by love will never be made whole unless she embraces that very same love which wounded her.”              - Mechthild of Magdeburg

Of all the major tenets and teaching in Christianity, reconciliation may just be one of the most neglected and yet, one of the most important. I think it is difficult to consider reconciliation and forgiveness because so much in our culture goes against the idea of reconciling and forgiving.

Movies and TV plots often focus on vengeance and punishment, often glamorizing violence and showing that conflicts can be resolved using violence. When we talk about forgiveness, we tend to talk about either guilt and apologies or forgiving and forgetting.

Guilty apologies and forgiving and forgetting are a bit like aspirin. It may take away the pain temporarily but the pain does come back and sometimes the pain is worse than before. So, how might reconciliation work if the common wisdom of our culture is a lie?

I recently read an article about reconciliation that contained a line that resonated deeply with what I think is true about the true nature of reconciling and forgiving:

"First you remember; then you grieve; then you heal".      

Instead of forgetting, imagine remembering. For me, this is an incredible relief! When I have been hurt and need to begin the process of forgiving, the LAST thing I can do is forget! Asking myself to forget is impossible. Forgiving and forgetting is a lie and it can be a dangerous one.  

Growing up in a predominantly Jewish town as a child, I remember going to several public events that remembered the Holocaust. I remember meeting survivors who told their stories and implored the generations to come to never forget what happened and in remembering never let it happen again. Does it mean that forgiveness can’t be at work if we remember? What if remembering is a part of forgiving—simply because if we can’t forget, then the other option is to remember.  

Remembering is a sacred action. We remember Jesus’ words each and every Sunday. The Jewish faith remembers Passover. Remembering is a gift from God—the ability to recall and reflect. In effect to remember is to offer that occurrence to God. When we offer something to God often enough, something happens. That some thing might be the beginning of forgiveness. 

Then we grieve. Grief is all different kinds of emotions—from anger to sadness to not wanting to admit what’s happened. Grief runs the gamut. Most of us are uncomfortable with grief because it feels so overwhelming and dark. But grief is part of love. Grief is the opposite side of passion—to not grieve deprives us of restoration and can leave us feeling brittle and mad. Grief is the darkest of feelings and the only way around grief is through it. So we remember and remembering causes us pain and we allow ourselves to feel that pain completely. This model of remembering and grieving is not what the movies are made of, and often not what life is made up of either, but grief and sadness were a part of Christ’s journey to the cross, part of the disciples life as well. We go through the darkness of grief into new life—not forgetting and allowing ourselves to be sad, mad, not ready to face our pain and maybe at last finding resolve.

And then at long last, we can heal… when? Only when we’ve really grieved… and the weird thing about grief is that it takes as long as it takes and when we’re done, we’re done and we know it.

That doesn’t mean we won’t revisit that pain or anguish, it does mean that in healing we will find transformation and some peace. All of that takes time, however and a commitment.

I think that part of forgiveness, like love, is a commitment, not a feeling or an emotion. We make a commitment to love and forgive and that when we are hurt by others, we choose to forgive by remembering, grieving and eventually healing rather than forgetting or taking vengeance. All of this remembering and grieving and healing reminds me that forgiveness is a process as well as a commitment rather than just a feeling or an emotion.

So where might we start this process? How might we try this?

Thanks be to God, I think the church, when she’s at her best, knows.

We know that in remembering and offering up our recollections, God can make them new—God can resurrect and restore them. The Eucharist and Jesus are primary examples of this. 

And so too is confession or the sacrament called Reconciliation. We can remember with someone else. We can grieve. We can be healed. We can trust in God because nothing separates us from the love of God—not our remembering or forgetting, not our grieving or anger. Nothing separates us from God. Reconciliation gives us the opportunity to remember that. The Rite of Reconciliation helps us to remember that love—it creates in us a hope that reconciliation is possible.

If you are feeling lost on where to begin, I invite you to steal a prayer book—and open it to the Rite for Reconciliation on page 449.  Read it. Make a list of what you might say if you were doing this Rite with a priest—if you can’t imagine talking to a priest about such things, then imagine that you are talking to a dog. Dogs are the world’s best listeners! They will never tell another soul. 

Is that enough? 

For some maybe. For others, you may pray about bringing all that you have burdened to a journal or letter for burning. For others, it may be trying the Rite of Reconciliation for the first time.  

It might be choosing to pray every day the words, I choose forgiveness today. Maybe take a piece of paper or a sticky note and write the forgiveness on it and place it on your mirror or other prominent place in your home. 

There are many ways to begin. The important thing is to begin. The world is in desperate need of reconciliation and healing. And so are we. The important thing is to just begin. 

On August 14, Thursday, we will offer this Rite of Reconciliation as part of an evening for healing. Or you may even boldly consider setting up your own private time for the Rite of Reconciliation sometime. 

For now, just begin by remembering…

instead of forgetting to see where it might take you.